Jonathan: Scotch-taping boxes, Scotch-taping pans and pens, and cans, and fans. Scotch-taping hats. Scotch-taping masks, and books, and sheets. Scotch-taping incense, Scotch-taping perfumes, and shampoos, and tools. Scotch-taping bottles, Scotch-taping photos, and scarves, and jewels. The flowers shall remain. I know it’s wrong, ’cause I should Scotch-tape them too.
comedian
Charles, on the terrace.
Charles: Our firm is forced to offer good pay and favourable working conditions; our rooftop terrace is rather easy to leap off.
Two friends, on the doctor.
Cecily: I was looking at wedding rings this morning.
Arnaud: Why?! Butterflies’ fingers are too thin for rings dear. You must be ill. Go and see a doctor.
Cecily: I need a ring. What if I get old and nobody loves me enough to keep me company, and all I have left is old copies of Vogue magazine and thoughts about what could have been if I had shared my life with somebody? Maybe the doctor will marry me…
Two friends, on an impending makeover.
Arnaud: I need you to give me a makeover.
Cecily: I am extremely expensive.
Arnaud: Perfect! I am very poor.
Cecily: I think we can come up with a solution. You be my Barbie doll. Do everything and wear everything I say. Then my services are free.
Arnaud: Deal.
Cecily: Beware, I used to pull the heads off Barbie dolls and cut their hair short, and once or twice I melted them in the microwave.
Arnaud: It all depends on the second Barbie doll you intend to melt me with.
Two friends, on dates.
Cecily: I have been invited to a Franco-Algerian wedding this Spring!
Jonathan: Will there be dates?
Cecily: Sweet ones, or the kind that wear suits?
Cecily, on a beautiful lover.
Cecily: His face comes directly from heaven. But, like the concept of heaven, his personality has some holes.
Charles, on one of life’s great challenges.
Charles: Don’t you love to think about things at McDonald’s? Paris is a movable feast, just like the double cheeseburger.
Two friends, on lack of sheep.
Cecily: I have no sheep in my apartment.
Charles: Where do you get your wool from? How do you stay warm in the winter?
Cecily: Harrods’ cashmere.
Charles: But do your blankets and throws offer you unconditional love and, more importantly, loyalty?
Cecily: No, but my Italian greyhound does.
Two friends, on carrots.
Cecily: My grandfather suggested carrots as a cure for insomnia, and it works for me.
Arnaud: I will try them tonight!
Cecily: To improve their efficacy, talk to the carrots while you’re cooking them, or sing. I believe they like folk.
Arnaud: They will have rock, but not The Smashing Pumpkins. That would offend them.
Cecily: I beg to differ. I think the carrots should be at war with the pumpkins. Pumpkins make a better purée and you’d better believe they make a better velouté.
Alexander, on old authors.
Alexander: I keep reexamining the words of old authors I love in the hope of finding some semblance of clarity and comfort in their familiarity; yet it’s all for naught, and my ongoing stare-down with the Void has become more treacherous than ever.
thedailymails 