Cecily: I had a massive panic attack the other day because I haven’t dealt with monogamy in such a very long time.
Alexander: Maybe try and brainwash them just enough to start a polyamorous cult of mutually aware men who are in love with you?
Cecily: I did that over summer.
Charles: Ever since I became a lawyer I’ve had a sense of entitlement over cross examining people.
Cecily: I cross examine everybody despite my status as a professional social butterfly.
Cecily: I just agreed to a one hundred percent monogamous, committed relationship.
Christian: For the weekend?
Delilah: So, brother, I’ve been shook the fuck up. You must be Jesus, the devil, or some kind of prescient energy force that transcends the need for physical form but comes to humans in the form of a slightly manic, dry-witted succubus.
Maurice: I think you have so many men because one deceived you, and you’re taking vengeance on the others.
Raj: I recently increased my age cap for women on Tinder to thirty-six. Before this, the deck was constantly running out of women and I had to wait half an hour to receive another set. Now, I’m yet to run out of prospective dates!
Cecily: What was your age range before!?
Raj: Eighteen to thirty-one.
Cecily: But you’re forty-three!
Raj: Over the age of thirty-one, they’re all married with children. I needed some way to filter those out efficiently. Women over thirty-one are wider, they’re heavier. I tend to find this trend is worse in the north of England. I know I’m forty-three, but have you seen what a forty-three year-old single woman looks like?
Cecily: I am on a first date with Marty McFly. He’s wearing a half-denim varsity jacket. He said “Don’t cry for me Argentina”, when he left for the bathroom, and he has a watch with a digital face.
I’m into the weird ’80s/90s vibe, but I do feel like I’m living in a period film. He said I was like Zelda Fitzgerald. So our eras have collided into great making out and digital-faced watches and big vintage hats.
I will likely never see him again, because I can’t deal with someone who says the words “fresh” and “slammin'” un-ironically.
He has a haircut that makes him look like the Karate Kid. Also, he has Warner Brothers characters on his hoodie, and a cute smile. There are white pants and shoes involved, after Labor Day. He continually references Peewee Herman. He uses the Internet, even though personality-wise, it really feels like he shouldn’t.
From his touch, he may be really good in bed. We have a physical connection despite the lack of congruent eras.
Cecily: Under your mentorship I have flourished into a bit of a right whore.
Christian: Beware. Whoredom too spirals into its own squealing mundanity.
Christian: Your hands are spindly and alluring.
Cecily: I use them to drive Italian men wild. Yesterday, a man named Marcello bought me a salad just so he could watch my hypnotic nails for an hour. My manicures pay for themselves.
Cecily: Communication spectrums can be important. If you’re on the light spectrum and he’s on the sound spectrum, and the only time you meet is during lightning storms, that does not bode well.
thedailymails 